A Note To My Visitors

The articles and poems posted on Healing Stream for Survivors were written during my recovery period. Although the articles are not new, they tell the story of my recovery. I am always delighted when I hear from visitors who tell me that something I experienced and wrote about has helped them in their own journey. That is the purpose of my blog which floats around out here in cyber-space.

I don't update my blog very often anymore, but I do keep track of visitors and keep my hand on the pulse of the blog.

I just want to remind you again that all the hard work, effort and time spent in recovery is well worth it! I am enjoying a very good life that is peaceful and joyful. You can also experience the peace of God that passes all understanding . . . Keep reading!

Blessings,
Joy

Featured Article for October, 2009

Four Key Things I've Learned About Recovery From Childhood Sexual Abuse



After working my way through years of recovery from incest and childhood sexual abuse, and after working for several years in group settings with other sexual abuse survivors, there are four key things I have learned along the way that could be helpful to other survivors.

1) Facing the Truth

One of the most painful and difficult things to face is the truth about our abuse. For some, it will mean accepting, maybe for the first time, that they have been abused. For others, it will mean facing the truth that we did not remember everything that happened to us. Because so many abuse victims dissociate, those memories are shoved into the farthest recesses of our minds. It takes a lot of hard work to recover those memories and even more hard work and prayer to accept those memories as the truth of our lives.

2) Thoughts Become Barriers

As we grow up in abusive homes, our thinking becomes severely distorted. It is easy to understand how this happens, but it is not easy to untangle all the lies that we have been taught by our abusers, by the abuse itself and by our own twisted thinking that allowed us to survive in a very inhumane environment. These thoughts that are based upon lies become our truth. Once we understand that these lies are strongholds that need to be pulled down, we reach a new level of freedom.

3) Freedom Comes in Many Forms

Freedom comes in so many forms it is sometimes amazing to watch a survivor who sees the truth for the first time. There is such a feeling of joy and lightheartedness that overtakes the survivor.

Freedom to trust another human being is just huge. When we are able to allow others to come alongside us in this journey, we open the door to even more freedom. Allowing safe people into our world is so important. It is especially good to be in both therapy and a support group for a while so we can practice relating to people who have our best interest at heart. This is not an easy step and there will be a lot of “push-pull” along the way. Most people who are trained to work with survivors know this and are really good about staying in relationship through this period of upheaval.

Freedom to trust also involves being able to talk to other people about the abuse. This includes talking to your pastor or your family physician or dentist if you suffer from anxieties in these areas. Letting your pastor and medical professionals know about your background is vital to the care that you need. If, as was my case, some of your abuse was done at the hands of a pastor and a medical professional, it will take a little longer to trust, but it can happen once you tell yourself the truth that “not all pastors or medical professionals are abusers”. Had I continued to believe that lie, it would have been detrimental to my own health and well-being.

Freedom to form good relationships is also key to recovery. If you attend church or belong to any kind of ladies group, bowling league, or even participating in your child’s school programs, you will begin to open yourself up to relating well with new people. Friendships are so good for everyone, but especially for survivors. We long for friendship and at the same time, we run from it out of fear of what might happen. Again, telling ourselves the truth will help. It is true that when we open ourselves up to new people, there might be some who would be unkind and maybe even some who are abusive. Use your good judgment to know when someone is not a safe person for you. But, on the other hand, when we open ourselves up to others, most of the time, we gain new friends who are caring, compassionate and enjoy our company. Trust your judgment and practice making new friends!

4) The Journey is Long

Another thing I learned along the way is that the journey is a very long one. Recovery is a process; it takes a lot of time, patience and commitment. Most people who have never suffered from abuse cannot comprehend how long it takes to recover. It generally takes a lifetime, but there is so much improvement over the months and years of hard work, that we begin to move into great freedom early in our recovery process. Every plateau we reach is a time for celebration! Do something kind for yourself or celebrate the occasion with your spouse by going out to dinner together. This is a great way to celebrate your accomplishments and to include your spouse in the process of recovery as well.

Trust Issues Abound for All Abuse Survivors

Life is Full of Twists and Turns
In 2001 my husband and I elected to move from our home in Indianapolis to the beautiful state of Tennessee. He had the opportunity to transfer with his company and we decided that his final few years of work time and the approaching retirement time would be best spent in Tennessee. We purchased our “retirement home” in May, 2002 and settled in. October 1, 2008 brought the retirement from my husband’s job as a truck driver. We were delighted with the retirement and our home.

Something happened on the way to retirement, however. My husband had been experiencing a variety of health issues which had worsened through the years. Shortly after retirement the reality of his heath began to settle in and we soon recognized that he was no longer physically able to do the outside work on our present property. Because of diabetes, high blood pressure and heart problems along with the corresponding medications for these conditions, his energy level has greatly diminished, especially when trying to work outside in the heat and sunshine. Reality has a way of changing the course of life and ours was quickly changing.

Sometimes Life Throws Us a Few Curve Balls
The home we had so carefully chosen as our place of retirement is no longer working for us. To make a very long story as short as possible, I will tell you that we are now in the process of selling our Tennessee home and moving to north Georgia. In fact, we are moving onto the property of our first-born son and his lovely wife. We will be building our own home on the back of their property, sort of a ground level in-law apartment which is not attached to their home except under their roof (which is a requirement imposed by the City).

I must confess that there are times when this is very exciting to me and there are times when I am so confused and distressed by it that I am unable to sleep. My mind follows all the possibilities, both positive and negative. I understand the need we have in regard to my husband’s health issues and they cannot be ignored. On another level, I also understand another need. That is the need for family. Living in Tennessee put us in a position of being away from all of our family. Of course, my family is so fractured because of the sexual abuse that abounds that I am happy to be separated from most of them. I am not, however, happy to be separated from my sons. I am a firm believer in allowing children to grow up, move away from mom and dad and make their own friends and their own lives. Yet when holidays roll around, it is not always possible for us to be together and my husband and I end up being alone most of the time. We do need family and all the interactions that make families work.


God Sets the Solitary in Families
When our older son married, he married into a large family that gets together quite often for family gatherings, cookouts, and of course, birthday celebrations for each member of the family. That is a lot of family interaction, compared to the interactions that I grew up with in my dysfunctional home. Our family was largely closed off and alienated without much interaction with other branches of the family tree.
One of the Bible verses that I learned about in 1997 when I first began the healing process for my childhood sexual abuse was Psalm 68:6 (NIV).
“God sets the lonely in families, He leads forth the prisoners with singing, but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.”
I had a hard time wrapping my abused brain around that scripture for a long time, even though I noticed that God brought a variety of people across my pathway. Some of those people remained for a short time, some have remained for longer periods of time and some will likely remain for a lifetime. Each person brought healing to me in one way or another, sometimes without knowing they were helping me to heal.

Family - Who Needs ‘Em?
For me to recognize my need for a loving, caring family is huge. I lived most of my life feeling alienated and alone. My emotions were numb so I failed to recognize my hunger for closeness.
Today, I need the family that God has chosen for me. God sets the lonely in families. I’m so glad He does that for us. This is another major healing period in my life and I recognize it for what it is.

God’s Part and My Part
God’s part in this process is to make good on His Word. I have no doubt that He is already doing that. My part is to simply trust God, my husband, my son and daughter-in-law and embrace this family that has already begun to embrace me. I say my part is simple, but as any abuse survivor knows, trust is never simple. The same push-pull always comes into play as I struggle to embrace and run away over and over again.

The Dead Tree
We have the remains of a very dead tree in our backyard. It was diseased and weakened and the strong winds of winter finally succeeded in blowing the top off of the tree. There remains a very ugly and jagged stump. I’ve looked at that stump over the past couple of months and as spring arrived, I looked at it carefully to see if there were any signs of life. Nothing. Then this morning, I noticed something that seemed to be growing near the top of the stump. My heart wanted to see new growth, but my husband assured me that the tree is completely dead and what I was seeing was a vine that had entwined around the dead tree stump.

It did not take long for the Holy Spirit to drive the point home to me. My life is like that stump, especially when it comes to family. My family is largely gone, yet there is the family that God has chosen for me and that family has already begun to entwine around this old dead stump of a person. New growth is springing forth and there is life and love embracing the deadness.

There remains much to do in order to make this move happen. However, when I realized that God was at work in me as we go through this process, I was able to embrace it with a sense of excitement. Healing the wounds of incest and childhood sexual abuse is truly a life-long process, and I am certain that the same push-pull will remain for a season. I am also certain that God is always faithful to His Word and He will bring me to a place of fulfillment within a family He has chosen for me.



Source: My Life

It's Just the Place Where I Used to Live

I drove down the street where I lived as a child
Found the old house with weeds growing so wild
I parked in the driveway of rough gravel and stone
I remembered those childhood days of feeling alone.

The old front porch door had blown away
The back porch leaned in a half-hearted sway
I sat in the driveway without going inside
A part of my soul still wanted to hide

Bare windows looked back in dark, somber eyes
Empty and hollow they echoed my sighs
I wondered how much those eye-windows had seen
Had they witnessed the things that now seem like a dream?

The pretense we lived with, the truth undiscovered
The painful abuses by both father and mother
Do those walls still harbor my little girl sorrow
All those days when I prayed for a brighter tomorrow?

The squeaky old floor in the upstairs room
Tried so often to warn me of impending doom
Its squeak woke me from sleep as he came to my bed
The feelings that followed were all filled with dread

At times he peered through the windows, his voyeur-type deed
Those eyes of dark glass his will did impede
No place of safety, no place to belong
Without being violated by things that were wrong.

The house still is standing despite its neglect
We have that in common I've grown to suspect.
Its foundation has weakened as mine has grown strong
I found a Safe Place where I truly belong.